


Ground

by cancellable



Category: Oasis (Band)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Crack Treated Seriously, Dreamsharing, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:35:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29941125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cancellable/pseuds/cancellable
Summary: "Jesus, what were we thinking?" Noel chuckles it out and strokes the sleeve, figuring that'll be the end of it."We were in love." Liam replies, serious as anything, a hint of disbelief in his voice. "At least, I was."Noel can't stop himself from asking, and he hates how sad he sounds when it has been him gone for 7 years. "Was?"
Relationships: Liam Gallagher/Noel Gallagher
Comments: 24
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So uh, I saw pictures of the Loch Lomond coat [in 2016](https://cancellablex.tumblr.com/post/645032604543975424/andbud-photography-liam-gallagher-bonehead), at [some other point](https://twitter.com/LGWears/status/1020737173870514177), and [in 2018](https://cancellablex.tumblr.com/post/645029791190368256/liamgallagher-shitting-it-in-a-cable-car-lg-x).
> 
> And then I read Jeevey and Savageandwise's [fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26110978) and I couldn't stop thinking about the concept of dreamsharing. So here we are. 
> 
> Not quite a reunion fic, but also, not-not a reunion fic. This wrote itself in like an hour today, I apologize. I will finish prompts soon!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic starts the night of the German Premerie of Supersonic, on October 27th, 2016

He thought it would be funny. That's what he told Bonehead when he asked and he stood by that story all night.

In the end it wasn't that funny. The documentary salted wounds he'd been pretending were healed for years now and whenever someone that wasn't staff recognized the coat, they gave him a sad smile instead of bursting out laughing or jeering like the photographers did.

He saw himself kiss Noel on screen and it wasn't Noel kissing him like he'd hoped, it was a taunt and he remembers how small he felt. How bad it felt that somehow it was funny that he'd want to kiss someone who was so mean to him. Fuck whatever Noel was saying on the voiceover.

Well, the plan was certainly not to get drunk and cry and fall asleep in the damn thing but that was exactly what he had done and there was little to do about it now.

And he'd been listening to these tapes right? Where you can control your dreams and that helps in your daily life? And it had been working, kind of.

For the past several weeks he hadn't dreamt about Noel, he hadn't had sex dreams, nor reunion dreams, nor nightmares that he was small and helpless and Noel left. None of that. He dreamt of football and like, meadows and singing in front of millions of people, and none of the songs were for Noel.

He was a better adjusted man now. He knew who he was. He could live without _him_.

Liam was playing ping pong and breaking his own record when he saw him. In the leather jacket. With the gray hair. As confused as he was. That wouldn't do. He didn't need this tonight. "Fuck off, this is me dream and I banish you!" He yelled, and Noel just furrowed his eyebrows.

"Banish me? This is _my_ dream you idiot. You get the fuck out." Noel came closer then, and it was strange to see the way realization came over his face in waves. It was his Liam with the golden skin and long hair and wooly coat, but it also wasn't. He stopped in his tracks then, squinting, Liam could barely breathe. "Why do you look like that?"

Liam feels the rage flare up then, "Godlike, you mean? I'm a stunner, me, always been. Top bloke, best clothes!"

Noel can't help the fondness that swallows him up, the smile he's denied his brother for over seven years that makes his eyes disappear and his entire body feel like it's glowing. "You're right about that. Just-- you tend to look..."

"Yeah well, them tapes say it's best to picture yourself 'realistically'. What is it to you? You'll be gone as soon as I decide you're John Lennon." Liam scoffs, and Noel bursts out laughing. And fuck, it's _that laugh_ , the laugh Noel didn't get from anyone else. The laugh that only Liam could get out of him. He should be angry that a figment of his imagination came here to call him old but hey, maybe his brain wanted to give him a little gift, yeah? no harm in that. 

He lets himself smile at Noel. He lets himself look at him. But that's too much. "Don't look at me like that." Liam says and he looks away, bites his lip, wishes he had somewhere to hide. Noel is looking at him like he loves him. Like he's the most precious thing on Earth. Bollocks.

"Why? You-- you normally li--" Noel cuts himself off. Liam doesn't really care what he was going to say. He missed this but it's no good. He doesn't feel like waking up and having to hit the bottle right away just because it hurts so bad.

Liam figures it's one of those "therapeutic moments" the tapes talked about so he does what they suggest. _Be grateful for the opportunity to make amends! And communicate your feelings._ He clears his throat. "I wish you'd been there tonight. I dug up the coat for you, in case you showed up-- even if you only saw pictures, really. Did me hair like back then too but it's not the same now. I wish you were talking more because I miss hearing you talk to me. Thank you for laughing and looking at me like that. It's been hard not having those things."

That should do it. That was thorough, right? He looks up and he awaits for the affirmation that should come from his dream counterpart, but Noel is just staring at him in confusion. He seems to be thinking through a milion things, figuring out the solutions to problems Liam doesn't even understand, planning 7 steps ahead like always... Liam's dream Noel doesn't do that. Liam's dream Noel can say _I love you_ , can say _I need you_. Liam's dream Noel chooses _him_ instead of a good life. He doesn't fucking _plan things_ , he just... loves Liam.

Liam stares expectantly and the fondness from before is buried under seven layers of iron like in the real world, covering everything except the deep, deep sadness in Noel's eyes. Liam expects Noel to say something cruel, maybe something he saw in the press but with actual visuals this time, so it will properly hurt. He expects Noel to drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness, he expects him to start crying, or hit him or just _something_. 

Noel just licks his lips, and he's no longer wearing the leather jacket, he's wearing those boring white shirts he wears now. There's more grey in his hair and more lines in his face. There's no music and the background has faded to white. 

When he finally asks out loud, "Liam?" the sound reverberates through the entire fucking universe and Liam startles awake and falls out of bed.

His heart beats in his throat and for a whole minute he's pretty sure he will never again manage to breathe. 

"Noel?" He says out loud to the darkness, but it doesn't respond.

Part of him tells him he should immediately try and go back to sleep, see where it all leads. Another part is raging, because even in his dreams he gets _nothing_ , why should he go back and give Noel more? The last part is too fragile to do anything, so he turns on the TV on an American channel and doesn't fall back asleep until 3 hours later during an infomercial.

He doesn't have a lucid dream this time. But at least, he doesn't dream of Noel.


	2. Chapter 2

Noel wakes up with a start, but the second he opens his eyes he's immediately aware that around him everything is normal.

Sara sleeps peacefully next to him. The room smells like juniper and cinammon or whatever the aromatherapist has given Sara this time. The clock on the bedside table says it's 3:26 am. The room is as dark as he likes it, as warm as it usually is. It is too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep and get a full cycle in. He's not wearing a white shirt, nor a leather jacket. He's vaguely aware of the cat making a noise or other down the hallway. He breathes peacefully like the doctors tell him to do. He feels fine. He also thinks he might be dying.

He sits up slowly, he continues the deep breaths. He fishes around with his foot to put on his slippers. He makes his way to the bathroom. Fucking hell if a 3 second encounter with imaginary Liam is what kills him he's gonna be fucking pissed off.

See, Noel doesn't believe in all that mystical shit, that snake oil personal development bullshit created to make rich people feel better about being rich. He's been poor with nowhere to go. He knows it's bullshit. Universe looking out for you? There's the here and now and that's it. There's no all-powerful force out there dealing fates to miserable land dwellers. You go and you grab it and you don't let go and even then, sometimes, even then you lose everything. There's no soul... there's no eternity. He doesn't believe in any of that.

(He used to tell Liam, when they were young and he was afraid and hungry. He used to tell him that their fate was written in the stars. He used to tell him they'd be happy because they deserved it. He used to tell him he'd never leave. He used to tell him their souls were connected. That they were special. He used to tell him it was forever.)

He gets a good look at himself in the mirror, checks for burst veins or uneven pupils or something. Everything seems to be fine. 

He knows he shouldn't have joined that fucking workshop with Sara. But it was a friend of hers, right? And it was meant to change your life. And dreaming whatever he wanted sounded fun enough - no more pretending he never remembered his dreams or saying some sort of harmless lie after percolating in guilt for hours. Maybe. It seemed there was science about this so, why not? But of course, he really should have expected it to end this way. He never got to have anything guilt-free, him.

(He used to tell Liam that guilt was pointless. You should either do the right thing or suck it up. Liam used to kiss him all over and say he couldn't tell the difference most of the time. He used to laugh and kiss him then. He used to pretend it was okay because the purest guy he knew had said it was.)

He showers, because what else could he do? And he doesn't think of his young Liam, nor the older one. He doesn't even let himself think of that new song he's writing lest it leads back there. He thinks about the smells of the soap and shampoo and he thinks about the water and he thinks about Liam's smell and he thinks of Liam all wet in the rain and in the shower and he thinks of Liam towelling him off and he thinks of Liam. 

He goes about his day and he does all the things that allow him to stop himself from thinking of Liam. He eats a breakfast Liam would hate. He listens to music Liam would hate. He plays with Sonny, who Liam has never met. 

He watches the news, on a channel that he knows Liam hates, and when some guy in a tan suit says _banish_ he can't help but laugh. Sara looks up at him from the book she's reading while lying on the sofa next to him, he shakes his head and reaches out to squeeze her hand. He doesn't know what the fuck the guy is talking about.

(When Liam got all worked up when he was younger sometimes he couldn't form words. Noel was the one with the stutter but Liam was the one people struggled to understand. Noel always understood him. When they got older and nothing else could calm Liam sometimes he'd take him somewhere quiet and hold on to his face. They'd touch foreheads. He'd say his name over and over again, _Liam. Liam_ and that would be enough. Sometimes they'd kiss afterwards. Often times, Liam would remain silent. Beautiful, and young, and silent, and so full of love for him. Noel dreams of him like that the most.) 

"I think I'll have an early night, woke up too early," he says as he gets up from the armchair. And Sara finds it strange but concedes.

"Sure, I'll read a while longer then, have a good sleep, love," she says and he bends down for a kiss and that is that. 

He knows it's madness, because that _thing_ is not a possible thing. And he doesn't... he isn't sure he does _want_ to see Liam. But the thing is, what if it _is_ real? What if, what if, _what if_.

So he goes through his nightly ritual. And he adds even the tiniest of things he did last night just in case. Because _what if_.

He was annoyed about the premiere so he went to bed early (check).

He said goodnight to his sons and ruffled their hair before turning off their lights (check).

He drank a cup of tea, chamomile, no sugar, a drop of almond milk (check).

He turned on Sara's essential oils thing and he took off all his rings for once (check).

He listened to the weird binaural new age music playlist Sara's friend gave them during her workshop (check).

Wiithin minutes, he found himself dreaming. 

This time, he doesn't adjust his appearance and just let himself wear the clothes he actually wears, have the hair he actually has. 

When he sees him from the distance it's the same as the previous night. His Liam... 23, with the long hair, with that horrible coat, looking at him like he's the second coming of Jesus.

(When Liam was a kid, sometimes he'd be sent to bed early, and Noel would be allowed a couple of hours more. Every time he walked into the room, Liam was still awake. Big saucer blue eyes scared of the dark, waiting until Noel was in the room, never occurring it to him to turn on the night light until Noel did. He would smile his kid smile then and Noel would roll his eyes and sit on his bed and Liam would be snoring within a minute, before Noel had the chance to get his own sleeping clothes.) 

The closer he comes to him, the clearer he sees the way his skin has aged, the way his eyes have saddened. He sees the wider shoulders and the far more modest lusciousness of his hair. He takes it all in as his brother just stares at him from his spot on the floor where he's sitting crosslegged against the wall.

He moves slowly, as though he's afraid to scare Liam off, and he lowers himself gently until he's sitting right next to him, knee to knee. Back against the wall, just inches from each other. 

Noel can see the whole process in slow-motion as Liam inhales hard once and then just says, clear as anything "Fuck you, man," before bursting into tears, pushing his fists into his eyes and curling into himself.

All Noel can do then is what he has done every single time this has happened. He scoots closer to Liam and puts an arm around him, and within seconds, Liam is plunging against Noel chest, clinging to his shirt as if he were five years old, or sixteen years old, or thirty-six years old. Staining everything with tears. Wailing like the world is ending.

Noel holds him tighter, lets him cling as close as he needs and he clings back. He gently rubs his back and feels the coarse material of the coat. He kisses the top of his head and inhales deeply. And yeah, that's Liam. It's _Liam_. Despite the new soap, and the new shampoo, and the years - it's _Liam_. 

_Let yourself experience the full range of human emotion the dream awakens in you_ says Sara's friend in the back of his mind. 

And, although, Noel lets himself feel all of it, he won't let himself cry about it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilery notes but put them at the beginning so you know there's info on the Beatles if you don't know it by heart, and also about a live performance, you can read and come back here if you don't want a minispoiler! 
> 
> [Track listing of Help! by The Beatles](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help!#Track_listing). A lot of the songs talk about being left or secretive. Ticket to Ride includes the lyrics "She said that living with me // Is bringing her down yeah // For she would never be free // When I was around". It was listed as one of the 8 songs Noel would take to a desert island a few years ago. 
> 
> You've Got To Hide Your Love Away is self-explanatory, and also [a Noel favorite he recorded for the Some Might Say B-side](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTsDs4K5Kkk). It features the lyric "How could she say to me 'love will find a way'?". You know who else said they'd find a way? Noel, through Liam, in Slide Away. I REST MY CASE. *the screams inside my head die down a little*
> 
> [Noel singing Angel Child and making a big point of never having played it live before, nor listening to it ever, back in 2012 - but dedicating it to some other person so it's not about Liam, did you hear this song is about Anaïs? Oh what do you mean she wasn't conceived yet when it was released?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dTT81fwVLU) As an aside, back when it happened there was A LOT of speculation whether Noel would sing Oasis songs during it or not. Everyone lost their shit.

It takes only a couple of minutes for Liam to stop crying. 

He sniffs deeply, sighs, wipes his tears on his trousers and sits back up, slipping away from under Noel's arm, like it's all better now. It's always been like that. An on-off switch. Noel always found himself strangely envious of that. He has barely shown any emotion but still feels like he's swallowed glass and will continue feeling that way for days, he's sure.

Noel doesn't know what to do with his hands, he doesn't know what to say either. He half starts trying to wrap his arm around Liam's shoulders again but Liam scoots away almost imperceptibly so he stops himself. He can feel Liam shuffle until his knee makes contact with his though, and that is good enough. 

Noel hates the fucking silence. Back in the day, he used to yell at Liam because he never ever shut up. When they stopped talking he used to yell at him because he could still _hear_ him thinking shit. It took him years to get used to the peace and quiet of his house. But even that is not like this. Maybe he is meant to create the sounds if there are to be any. Birds chirp in the distance. He knows it's not because of something he did.

Liam is poking at his gums and cheeks with his tongue, staring forward with a vacant look like always. Noel starts to nibble on his fingernails. It's downright criminal that they would overcome the laws of time and space just to sit next to each other in silence but then again, Noel thinks it was also fairly expected. He thinks they should be talking about something, anything. But the two things he can even think about are not ideal. (Because he doesn't know and doesn't care how the fuck they got here and he's just not ready to talk about why it had to be _here_ and _now_ and not anywhere else in the world, any time during the past 7 years. He knows Liam feels the same way.)

He finally clears his throat and speaks, almost to see if it is doable, "so, how was the film?". When Liam mumbles unintelligibly and shrugs, then he's convinced this is definitely him. The fucking bastard.

It takes a moment but Liam starts speaking, "I didn't just wear it for you, you know? I worn the coat because I thought they might show it, right? And, I thought I might get asked about it and I could make a joke then instead of... fuck knows. Weeping like some wanker or whatever. They didn't, though, so..." 

The last word hangs in the air, Noel doesn't tell him he explicitly forbid the filmmaker and distributor from acknowledging that whole thing. He liked the Tokyo kiss, though. He told them they could show that. Noel hates how well he can still understand his brother. The fucker always managed to say too much except when it was important and here they were. Again. Still knowing the things he wasn't saying.

"I said well in advance I wouldn't be there," he tries to say it as gently as he can. Not make much of a fuss about it, but of course he can't manage. The _you tweeted abuse about it_ is still there for Liam to hear. The _you're a fucking idiot for thinking I'll step foot somewhere I know you'll be_ is there too.

"Well, you lie a fair bit, don't you?" Liam says in a snarl and Noel can't help but smile. Those would be fighting words from anyone else. From Liam? It's forgiveness.

Liam stretches his legs and Noel scoots closer instinctively. The silence isn't as heavy anymore. Fucking hell, he had missed the sound of Liam breathing. 

Noel can feel him thinking about it. Truth is, they never talked it through, not really. After the gig was over they didn't do anything they hadn't done a million times before. And when it happened, they didn't plan it to shock anyone or... Noel had just wanted to kiss him, so he went to do that. And Liam had demanded a bit more than they could get away with, like he always did. Noel knew him. Who the fuck was he to deny him?

"Jesus, what were we thinking?" Noel chuckles the words out, reaching with his hand to stroke the sleeve, part of him figuring that'll be the end of it. Acknowledge it and move on. Like they often did. But Liam has other plans.

"We were in love." Liam replies, snapping his head around to look at Noel, serious as anything, a hint of disbelief in his voice. Inhaling a shaky little breath that breaks Noel's heart. Again. He looks away and says much more gently, "at least, I was."

Noel can't stop himself from asking, and he hates how sad he sounds when it has been him gone for 7 years. Tiny little voice like when he thought he couldn't sing. "Was?"

And again, Liam shrugs. And it's like it's 2008 all over again, like Liam's 29, like he's 23, like he's 17. 'I have told you enough' in the sway of a shoulder. 'What difference does it make? You don't love me' in the tilt of his neck.

After a minute or so Liam swallows audibly before asking, "How _the fuck_ can you just... live without me?"

And Noel could laugh, that's fucking arrogant, that is, but he knows what Liam means. God, he knows. He tries, gently, "you live without me..."

Liam scoffs. "Not by choice, I don't! You made me do that, remember? You-- if I die then I spent the rest of me life without you. Can't fucking die, then. I have to-- I have to be alive so you can come back." Liam looks at the floor, and fuck, he's so young, still. He'll always be young to Noel.

There aren't words to fix this. It's been too much. Too long. Too painful. "Liam--" is all he mananges to say before his voice dies out. He's pretty sure calling his name won't make any difference with this one.

"See, that's some bollocks. I'm talking to you, proper, telling you shit I could never tell you out there and you still... this is a way out for you, isn't it? This isn't you being back, this is you choosing to do this instead of ever coming back. This is you taking more without having to give me _shit_. Not a fucking inch, I get. It's torture, it is. Out here, me, begging for you to love me like I'm a fucking bird. It's pathetic. I'm a rock'n'roll star, man. I don't need this. Fuck!" It's all said in a rush, Liam stands up and walks away a few paces, comes back, glares. It could be a rehearsed scenario from how poignant. He figures part of it might be. The dialogue Liam practiced for when he turned Noel's apology away. The dialogue he came up with for when they ran into each other at Sainsbury's. A phrase maybe from a scenario where they would kiss at the end.

Liam sits back down a few paces away, on a chair? On a sofa. He looks at Noel and his eyes are tired. "My life is good, Noel." He says it and he means it, and Noel is almost glad but he knows that's not the end of it. "I'm making music, right? And I got friends, and I got Debbie, and me sons are getting grown up-- I'm okay. But man it's like... like I got no mouth, right? I ain't got no fucking mouth so I am walkin about, having the time of me life until I want a cig. Or I want to fucking kiss someone, or grab a bite or get a drink. It's all good yeah? I am fine without me mouth, but I can't fucking talk to nobody without it. I can't-- And it wasn't like this always, right? I didn't get born without a mouth, someone took it. And everybody fucking knows who's got it and he won't give it back and they still invite me round the pub and they-- I have a good time, but I don't got no mouth. D'you know what I mean?"

Noel knows what he means. He wonders if his own mouth is gone when after a shaky sigh, it is Liam who breaks the silence again. "Why the fuck did you leave me?"

Noel knows he should have been prepared for that question for a while now, but it still hits him somewhere below his heart. His voice is tight when he says, "you know why," knowing full well that won't cut it.

"Nah, man. Tell me the truth," Liam shakes his head, and Noel is in awe at the amount of self-control he's showing, really. "Not what you told everyone, not what you tell yourself. The truth. Cause it wasn't cause I wouldn't let you go solo, and it wasn't because I was too hard to deal with-- you know _exactly_ why I was hard to deal with. You owe me that much."

Noel sighs, he feels like he's ripping open from the bottom and that all the ooze will spill out of him like he's a cyst. Scrambling it into words hurts, though, so badly, but what else is there to do? He speaks slowly and hopes to God Liam will hear, "I thought life would be... easier. Without... _us_."

Liam inhales shakily and screws his eyes shut. He licks his lips before fixing him with a glare and asking, "has it been?"

When Noel spills a small "yeah" before he can stop himself, he expects a punch in the throat, he expects a black eye. He doesn't expect Liam to wrap his arms around himself and look away.

"Well, then, I'm happy for you, yeah? You must feel real fucking glad about your choice, well done!," Liam squirms in his seat as he says it, refusing to make eye contact and pulling at the fluff on his sleeve. 

Noel isn't even sure if it's sarcasm or if Liam is trying to convince himself, or if he's being a good brother or what. He still owes him honesty, though, so he continues, "I don't though, Liam. I wouldn't be here, would I? I've dreamt about you like, every single fucking day for 7 years and told no-one. I went to some fucking new age class to figure out a way to have you without it killing me! Fuck's sake."

Liam looks sympathetic then, Noell's pissed off but he'll take it. Better than... whatever the alternative is. Liam's voice sounds gentle when he speaks again. "What do we do in your dreams?"

Noel manages to think for a second before saying something he shouldn't, "The ones I control or the ones before?" Liam nods sideways, Noel knows he means _the ones you wanted to have_. Noel continues, "I mostly just get to see you."

Liam knows the answer before he says it so he steels himself for it, but he speaks up anyway, "You could see me in real life."

"I can't." Noel's reply should be the end of it. But nothing ever is. "I also get to tell you things I can't really say," he adds, and that softens Liam's armor again. Noel almost hates how much Liam can forgive him.

Liam prods again at the wound, gently, like he's got a cotton swab and is trying to help. "You know, here it's just us. I wouldn't be able to-- yeah? You can tell me here, if you want. Nobody would know." 

Noel tries three times before shaking his head, _'I'd know'_ hangs unsaid in the air, and Liam, purefuckinghearted Liam accepts it. He is still gentle when he asks "How were you expecting to see me last time?"

"I... pictured you in this coat, right? I saw you wearing it at the premiere. I had planned to see you like back then, though. I thought we could... go back there, just for a bit." Noel feels scrubbed raw, but he manages to continue. "I miss singing with you, not like, on stage and that, I just-- listening to a record and singing with you."

He can feel Liam smiling at him from the bed next to his, and he feels his own bed dip when Liam moves to sit next to him once again. "And then you tell me what the song is about and it's bollocks but I believe you?"

Noel can't help the smile that washes over him as he remembers what that felt like. "Let's do that then, yeah? We can make things together here, right? So, we're in our room-- then your stereo is there right? and you got all of your Beatles records, and you just put one on for me."

And they really are in their room, and the stereo is whirring as it plays an LP, and Noel looks to the side and he's got the cover of Help! next to him, and Liam is still his real age but he's softer again, and he's listening to the opening chords of _Ticket to Ride_ and to John fucking Lennon, he's beaming up at him and-- "ah fuck!" Noel exclaims as he remembers the lyrics to come. The stereo screeches to a halt. 

He picks up the album cover and flips it to see the list of songs. "Liam, I don't think we can listen to any of these-- not yet, like. They're-- it'll sour them."

Liam snatches the cover from his hands to read the tracklist and his eyebrows shoot up. "Poor fuckers." Noel snorts.

So they're back to silence then. Can't risk seeing things they hadn't before in other albums though, so it might be preferable.

Noel figures he's got nothing to lose, he might as well ask, it's been eating him up long enough, "A few years ago-- maybe you don't remember. For War Child, yeah? It was for you. When I sang _Angel Child_. I said-- but I hope you know I was thinking about you."

"Yeah, I knew," Liam says nonchalantly. 

Well, that went better than expected somehow. "Okay," Noel should really just embrace the silence by now.

But that doesn't suit him. Never has. He likes quiet that speaks, not this... mutual wall bullshit. He's meant to be the mysterious one that doesn't say anything and Liam is meant to overinterpret every single thing. Maybe Liam is just tired of having to do that all the time, maybe... he's speaking up again before he fully knows what he's saying, "I didn't know we'd-- I thought the good times would get to stay as is. We'd have all these great things that would live on and the bad times would die out and--" he clears his throat when his voice dies down, but he continues. "I just so badly didn't want to be like dad, Liam. I'd already fucked up with Anaïs, I wanted Donovan--"

Liam waves his hand and Noel stops in his tracks, "you didn't want him to be like us. I get it. I got that. I didn't want me kids to be like me either, you know?"

Understanding. That was the one fucking thing Liam was great at even though nobody would believe him. For the longest time he thought it was a supernatural thing, even, just how well he got Noel. How he knew how things would turn out. Noel had been determined to prove him wrong about the whole _'you'll come back'_ thing, but God, had he missed the feeling of being known without speaking. "I really thought we could be-- neighborly, like normal brothers. I thought you'd-- I'd-- that we'd love each other less, that it'd be like when I was with the Inspiral Carpets and you had your life, and I had my life, and we were both happy, you know?"

Noel wasn't really expecting the sad chuckle that leaves Liam's lungs at that. "What?" he asks, fearing the answer.

"I mean, yeah, you had a life on your own and you loved it. And I was banging birds, and getting drunk, and buying records, and going to gigs, and joining a band-- and all the fucking time I was trying to figure out how to get you to come back and not fucking leave me. And then you'd call, and you'd tell me about all the drugs you'd done, and all the fun you'd had, and you would want me to tell you the same, so I did, and everybody would ask me to tell them what you'd done, and I'd tell them, and then you would fucking forget to call some weeks, and I would go and tell them what you done that week anyway, and people would fucking ask, right? When you'd come back and I would say I didn't care." Noel can't believe this is all new information to him, Liam always spilled his fucking guts all over everything and everyone. How come he never once told him this? "Noel, you've left me before. You've been leaving me all me fucking life. It's no big deal, yeah? Because you come back. But you shouldn't assume I have a fucking grand time waiting."

Noel wants to say something _I didn't know it was so hard_ , _I don't do it on purpose_ , _I thought I was helping_ , but they're all lies. He always knew. He left Liam when he was little as a punishment, and he left Liam as a teen because he didn't want to love him, and he left Liam in the band because he couldn't let himself love him the way he did anymore. Noel has known all along what it's like for Liam. He fucking probably made it be that way.

Liam is the one to break the silence after a moment, going back to the kids because that seems safe, rolling back was always one of Liam's secret weapons, really, and Noel is grateful. "Sonny seems real cool, he does."

Noel is about to start talking but then the pang of guilt at never having allowed Liam to meet him is there, and the question of how he knows anything about him. The answer should be obvious but Liam explains himself anyway, and Noel is still grateful. "I seen-- just on the news and that. Six is the best age. They're sturdy but still little, you know? You get to be a spaceship."

Ah fuck, the love shows up again. Swallowing him whole. Liam was always a kid, really. It hurts to see he still is despite Noel. He gets the urge to hold his little brother again, play spaceman. He wants to talk about going to the moon. _You know, 'If I Had a Gun' is about you, I'm sorry I said it wasn't_ , but he doesn't say it.

Liam lets out a sad deep sigh, and he is vulnerable again, in that way where Noel feels helpless, he continues "I'm never gonna get to meet me kid, Gemma. She's 3, now. It'll be Molly all over again."

He's got something, though, he can help with this, Anaïs is friends with Molly, it's not all lost-- there's this one thing where not all is lost. "Molly is 18, you can legally call her." 

Noel awaits to ellaborate with a gentle not-quite-smile, but Liam shakes his head. "And say what? I will, one day, it's just-- you're the only person I've ever sort of managed to do right by, yeah? Or managed to try to. And-- you're better off without me. What's the poor kid done to deserve me swooping in and fucking up her life?"

He knows saying it once won't undo decades of showing the contrary, but he has to try. He's very firm but he tries to remain gentle. "You didn't fuck up my life, Liam, I would have nothing if it weren't for you. I don't know how to tell you that so you'll finally believe it."

Liam squirms like a teenager, "well, you never actually told me that, did you? You told other people that, but you never told me. And even then it was you telling them that to explain why you wouldn't tell me ever that what I did was good." He sounds more hurt than he wishes he did. "Wish you'd just-- ah, fuck it. Wanna shag? Maybe we should just do it for old times' sake and move the fuck on. Just let this whole thing die. What's the fucking difference?"

"I don't want to fuck," Noel says gently before he even processes whether it is true. 

There's so much he could say, he can't even quite figure out how he feels, though. Liam though, once again, recovers in record time and looks at him with a raised eyebrow, "Why, you don't think i'm fit anymore?"

The fucking kid, always saving him.

He figures out what it is in a second, and it sounds so obvious when it's laid out. He should be honest with Liam, he owes him that much. "I get to fuck you when you're not actually here, Liam, I don't get to-- that's-- I do that in my dreams of you a lot of the time." Surely Liam heard the _I don't get to talk to you, though_ in there, he hopes.

"Ohhh," Liam says and it's an overly dramatic thing, as if it could be anything else. He continues, "I dream of fucking you too. Romantic, that." After a moment of not quite silence he finishes, "well, I used to, right, so that's why-- I used to, till them tapes".

Noel snorts, "goddamn tapes!" and Liam chuckles with a tiny nod.

They lull back into a gradually kinder silence. Noel feels himself getting softer around the edges, almost like when they were on tour for a long time and they didn't play for a few days so they'd just go into some sort of domestic dynamic the papers didn't really care about. He figures he should hold on to that feeling while he can. "I know you-- the way that you don't get to have me is far worse, yeah? But, I also don't get to have you, you know?"

Liam sighs yet again, and Noel wonders just how much hurt can he still manage to squeeze out of his brother. He speaks before he finishes the though, "you're never gonna call me, are you? Like, in the real world? You are not going to text me or anything."

The shame that grips Noel around the sternum is undeniable, but he doesn't want to lie, "I don't think I will, no."

Liam sounds about seven years old when he squeaks out a "why?"

It's too late to hide anything, so Noel just tells the truth, "Sara".

"She don't let you?," and Liam knows the answer before he hears it, but whether he believes it is a whole other thing.

"I don't let me." Noel says, and that's case closed.

The new silence is more strained, raw and sore where they can't touch, but Liam can't help but push forward. He might as well ask his questions now, "what have you told her?"

Noel sighs, he really made a big mess all over, didn't he? "Just what I told the press. That I couldn't continue living with you. She understood. She might know more but we don't talk about it. She's all for cutting off toxic influences, so here we are."

Liam drops his head in his hands and whatever sound he makes for once sounds more like anger than sadness. "I can't fucking believe it. You fail-proofed it!" Noel furrows his eyebrows and Liam is looking at him not with anger, nor sadness, but something akin to _resignation_. "You can't go back to me, right? Cos you'd lose them-- and you know you can't be with me without them, because--" _you know I am not worth being with_ "I get nothing! Every single fucking time! It's just easier to give me nothing, so that's what you do."

Noel reaches out his arm and Liam lets himself be held. Noel doesn't stop the "I know, I'm sorry," that pours out. He wonders if he imagines the tiny little kiss that Liam drops somewhere near his elbow.

Liam breathes out then, and he sounds almost casual when he says, "fucking hell, I've missed hearing your voice. Wish you'd say some happier shit, though."

And maybe he can do that, maybe he can say something better, something real that doesn't hurt so bad. He always denied it, but it was true there was nothing he wouldn't (try to, want to) do for his brother. "What do you want to hear, Liam?"

Liam almost escapes him then, trying to squirm away, disbelieving as he says sarcastically, "taking requests, are we?"

But no, this is it. This might be the only chance he ever gets so if he can do _one thing_ to make it better, he will. "Look at me," he says, and Liam obeys, because of course he does, because he always did when it mattered. And Liam's blue is his own blue and it's so fucking lonely not seeing it like this in so long. He speaks the best way he can, and he hopes it's the right words. "I don't hate you-- I love you. Always have, always will."

Liam knows that. _I know that_.

"And I miss you, I wish you were in my life. Every fucking day there's a thing I wish I could tell you about. I wish we were playing gigs every fucking night, yeah? That you'd look at me from accross the stage and-- I wish we could have that. I wish there was a world where I could have just-- I wish I could have stopped time in Loch Lomond and we could have that forever. Fuck Knebworth, yeah? _That_ was it. I've spent me life chasing that feeling you gave me then. Nothing could ever come close."

Liam covers his face with one hand and buries the rest against Noel's chest. Noel tightens his grip around Liam's back, pulls him closer.

He needs to close his eyes for the next part, as he says, "I was in love too-- I-- I am, yeah?"

He's somewhat steeling himself to continue when he feels, before hearing, Liam say "stop." He looks down and Liam is looking up at him, glassy eyed but not crying. "Don't say the rest. I know what comes after." _I know there's a "but" hidden_ "I know that part. Just let me have this. Please."

"Okay," Noel says, and it's the last thing he says tonight. Liam said please, who the fuck could deny him?

For the rest of the night, they shift somewhat but they stay wrapped in each other. Noel's arm around Liam's back, Noel's head against Liam's chest. For a good while they lie on the floor holding hands. Liam lets the world turn into a field, into a backstage room, into some high-end hotel with half torn curtains. It's the backyard. It's Louise's flat. It's Paris.

Hours later, when Liam wakes up, he seeks Noel's smell all over and around himself and on the coat where he touched him, but it's gone.

When Noel wakes up, he does so with wet eyelashes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to irreputablyyours for the swallowing glass line and Angel Child bits. When I saw you use that phrase and then the song the other day I was about to remove it from here as to avoid plagiarism haha, but because of the reason it can now be an #homage! :) x


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: It has come to my attention that this doesn't actually have a happy ending like I had promised. I really, really thought it was happy. It is bittersweet instead though. I'm very sorry about that, I promise to write proper fluff soon!  
> \--  
> Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my fic and liking it and crying and telling me about it. That's legit sustenance for me. This is the first multiparter I've completed since like 2012 (and even then, I've only finished 3 including this one) and it has more words than the sum total of all my writing since 2013 - so you've done wonders for my self-esteem. Thank you. Notes at the end about the lil things referenced as usual :) xx
> 
> Shoutout to consciencepressed because they are my bud and let me flail at them a bunch and thus ideas were formed :D THIS COUNTS AS THERAPY XOXO

Noel is looking at the stars. The murmurs of growth all around him as he inhales the smells of wet grass. He figures this must be a concoction of memories, it reminds him of Ireland, everything quiet and gentle, it reminds him of the kind of forests he describes to his kids when he tells them stories. For a second he wonders if this is the kind of place where, in another world, Liam and him would have run off together to just _be_.

Then, just like that, it's the middle of the day, a busy city street, and the incredibly loud sound of a car horn is followed by an even louder, "Oi, wanker, get off the road!" 

Noel can't help the smile that washes over him as he turns to find Liam's shit-eating grin behind the wheel of some sort of red convertible. He can swear he notices Liam's smile grow that tiny bit bigger before he bites his lip while beeping the horn again. 

Noel has made the decision not to question whatever happens during these encounters, but still, as he opens the door and boards the passenger's seat, self-preservation kicks in and he can't help but ask "you drive?"

"Godlike driver, me." It's a three-word-long nonsensical statement that answers nothing, and Noel can't believe he really thought he couldn't fall more in love with his brother. 

Noel is surprised to find that Liam is doing alright in the driving department. He clearly turns the wheel when he shouldn't and when he looks at the dashboard he's pretty sure there should be more knobs and gauges, or maybe less-- it's fine, though, they aren't crashing, they probably don't need gas, and, well, if he's honest he doesn't really feel they're moving but _if you focus too much on the unrealistic details you risk waking up_ so he ignores that.

"Where d'you wanna go?" Liam asks, and it's like when he was young and he'd let Noel pick the pub because he knew Noel was paying anyway. It's like when Liam got his first dole money and all he wanted was to buy groceries for their mam and spend the rest with Noel.

Noel doesn't come up with some extravagant place, he doesn't ask to travel in time or space, he doesn't tell Liam about the juice cleanse he and Sara are doing, "I'd love some fucking steak, man," he says, and Liam looks exactly like drivers changing course in the movies, as if they weren't building the entire world on their own.

As they sit down in some fancy restaurant, Liam wonders if it's him or Noel that draws the crowds into the scene. He's got champagne and Weetabix, Noel has a Guiness and steak. There are so many people about them, but they don't bother them. He knows they know who they are, and he knows that Noel, for once, doesn't mind what they might see. He smiles at him then, again, and it almost doesn't hurt when he realizes that Noel can still know what he needs without him saying.

They eat quietly for a while before Liam feels the tug, that thing that tells him that he needs to hear and see and be all Noel is thinking about at a given moment or he'll die, so he breaks the silence, "how was your day?"

Noel stops mid-bite and doesn't know how to answer. His days are pretty similar lately. He either goes to the studio and he sinks into work for hours there, or he doesn't. He didn't today. He lurked around the house avoiding Sara's eye to avoid having to lie to her and it worked out because she had some calls with friends. Then he played football with the kids. Liam would fucking love to play football with the kids, "it was okay, been trying to write something but it hasn't landed yet" _it's not a lie, not really_. 

Liam understands the _maybe we should just chat about not-us_ underneath it, and he's perfectly okay with that.

They talk about music and TV. They talk about football. Liam offers cereal to Noel and he turns it down. Liam laughs when Noel doesn't offer him a bite of his meal.

It's almost easy. Almost brotherly. Almost like a date. Noel is reminded of the times when they'd be working long hours so he'd take Liam out to eat just to refuel before finishing off a recording, trying to get him to bed before he decided to go partying. That almost always worked. Domesticity almost always worked.

He pointedly avoids thinking about how, most of the times, those were the days that resulted in Liam waking up next to him in the early morning. Liam hears that part anyway, but doesn't say anything.

He drinks the last of the milk in his bowl and pushes it aside where it vanishes. "I like how people are staring but leaving us alone," Liam says, because he knows Noel needs the acknowledgement when he's nice. "Good one," it's not easy for him. Noel smiles around his fork.

Noel hopes it doesn't sound the wrong way, but he's very curious. "Why are you wearing that every night?," and yeah, that sounded wrong. But Liam was never known for wearing the same thing for a long time. He was as vain as someone half as beautiful. And if it had some sort of emotional component he's pretty sure he'd go and give himself a number of different looks to tug at different Noel heartstrings.

Liam is almost coy when he answers, "well, I been wearing it to sleep, right? I-- I was wearing it when we ended up here, don't want to jinx it, like."

Noel is profoundly touched, and does have the passing thought that this superstition is silly, as if he hadn't sneaked a secret chamomile tea and run to bed while Sara took a bath. "It must be so uncomfortable...", is all he says.

Liam shrugs, _The risk of not seeing you is worse_ "eh, it's fine, warm."

Noel is drinking red wine.

They're watching telly and sitting on a leather sofa. Man City is about to win the championship.

"Do you think I could've been a good footballer?" Liam asks, and he has that innocent little twinge in his voice that a man in his forties shouldn't. Of course Noel thinks he could have been. 

"See, that's the thing though, you'd probably been a star no matter what, it's so weird you don't see it," Noel wonders where that came from, they always did skip two or three steps of normal conversation before responding to each other, but so far, their thoughts had been kept apart well enough. Doesn't matter though, he's making a point. "You-- show up, and--" _you fill up the universe_.

Noel cringes, that's too much, you can't give that much to the kid or he goes all dodgy. He wishes he could explain himself, 'quantity, not quality' or whatever. He wishes it didn't sound vaguely jealous. He doesn't know what he wishes other than not letting his brother know some things.

"Fuck off," Liam says, _you were the universe_ , he doesn't.

There are five minutes left in the game and they will go to extra time, the scores are 2-2 but they know the Blues are winning. Liam's oversized football jersey is visible under the hem of his coat.

Liam speaks up suddenly, not looking away from the screen, "I've written songs", he takes a large gulp of lager before finishing his thought, _about you_.

"I heard one," Noel responds, and he does look at his brother. "From last year, at a pub," _it's good_.

Liam lets out a shaky exhale and nods, eyes still fixed on the screen. _Thank you_.

Noel doesn't quite know why he gets to say things he never could otherwise in this shared world but he is not wasting the chances he's given, so he continues, "I'll listen to your album. I-- might say I didn't, or I might say it's shit, okay? but I'll listen, and-- you'll know I think it's good. I'll figure out a way to-- I'll tell you, somehow, that it's good."

Liam is no longer looking at the screen, but he also can't look at Noel just yet, _okay_. He does say out loud, before thinking "it's still so fucking weird that you're being nice to me."

 _I'm sorry_ , Noel looks down, _I should have been nicer_ , Noel looks at the screen. They're now watching Spongebob. "I have songs about you too. In-- the last one, and the next one."

Liam looks at him at last, smirking, "yeah-- all the good ones," _it's okay_.

They're playing something involving ping-pong balls and a bucket and Liam is winning, but Noel still has a shot. He throws a multi-pointer that bounces all around the edge before rolling right over the cliff and Liam hoots, hailing himself a champion.

They're picking up the discarded balls all over the field _like breadcrumbs_ when it occurs to him to ask, "did you watch the Everybody's On The Run video?" as Liam drops a couple of balls in the bucket he's holding.

"Yeah," says Liam simply as he bends down to pick up another three.

Noel looks around him trying to find more balls, not finding any, trying to remain nonchalant as he continues, "did you see--"

Liam cuts him off, "them taxi numbers? Yeah," he says as he drops about ten more balls in the bucket, _that was a nice gesture, cheers_.

Noel smiles at him, then, and continues looking. He finds a nestful of balls under a tree and leans down, then, feeling accomplished.

They're sitting in the studio and Liam has a guitar, but he's not strumming it. Noel is scribbling on a notebook, but he can't make out what he wrote. He wonders how much time they got left. He wonders if they should be talking.

Noel puts away his pen and looks at Liam, _are you bored?_ "does the silence bother you?"

Liam thinks for a second before scowling a "nah", beore not-whispering _I like feeling you in the room_.

"Me too," Noel says.

They're washing the dishes in Noel's flat, and Liam is thinking about whether they'll go out later tonight. 

He figures Noel knows this is coming by the time he opens his mouth, but he feels like he should say it, so he does, drying off the plate Noel just gave him, "Listen-- it's real hard to know what I can say and what I can't say here, right? I don't-- I don't want you to feel like you can't come here anymore and that. So, look-- I'll talk about whatever you want, yeah? You just gotta say. And-- we don't even have to do it every day, either, you can tell me to fuck off and I will, right?" _leave you alone to dream of beige wallpaper, like_.

Noel gets what he actually means, though, like always, so he says "Liam," and he doesn't finish the sentence until his brother is looking at him, "I want to be here."

Liam's eyes tear up immediately and he drops the plate but there's no crashing sound, he rubs far too harshly at his eyes, while Noel still has his hands sunk in the soapy water, "ah fuck, don't make me cry again, man. I fucking hate it. Three nights in a fucking row sobbing like a bloody widow--".

When Noel wraps his arms around him, they're near by the fire in their mam's house, "I got a tip, me," he can feel Liam wiping his nose on his shoulder. "Cry in the shower-- you can't really tell and the missus will think you got shampoo in your eyes when you come out looking well puffy."

He feels Liam's laugh reverberate throughout his body, inhaling deep after, trying to capture that smell for the rest of the day, "do you seriously cry? are you gay for me or something?"

Noel smiles against his hair, _or something_.

They can tell the morning is coming as they sit on the beach, waiting for sunrise, fireflies disappearing one by one as the sky gets lighter. And god, Noel doesn't know if he wishes this could last longer or if he wants to wake up so he can get the rush of missing Liam and getting to see him again. 

It sounds like the answer when Liam says, "fuck, man, wish I could know this is real". It means _I know it is, but I wish I could know_. It means _you always send me smoke signals_ , it means _they say I'm crazy because I see what they are_.

"I'll think of something," says Noel.

Liam could call him out then, because again-- more secret messages are not quite what he needs. But all he not-says is _okay_ , before the sun takes him.

Noel has a long morning routine, and he manages to do it all before he calls the label. Out here, he can't be so bold. 

It turns out that he can't just tweet a setlist, it has to be a fucking production and it takes four days to set that up. _"Yes, I'll sign it and send it over"_. 

It turns out that they can't even fucking tweet one of his songs because 'music posts are scheduled' and so, it'll take a week. It's two fucking lines of text but of fucking course they have to make his life more difficult like always. _"Yes, thank you, it's fine in a week. No, I don't want the password myself"_.

Liam will be annoyed and not believe he's trying, but maybe that's okay. What's a week when they've waited seven years?

During the day, Liam knows this won't last forever. He knows he'll eventually want (need) more and he'll push Noel away. He knows the forgiveness will wear thin and he'll start feeling exactly what Noel has done to him throughout every fiber of his body and one day he'll tell him as much. He puts on the coat before bed wordlessly, and Debbie doesn't ask.

When he's awake, Noel knows that, eventually, he'll stop being able to be kind. The vulnerability will get to him and he'll say something to Liam just to get the upper hand, and hurt him, whether he deserves it or not. In the real world he might even try to provoke Liam into throwing out the damn coat just in case. He knows, deep down, there is no magic that can survive them. He knows they are doomed. They were born doomed and, sometime, they'll run out of time, just like they did 7 years ago.

They both know they'll eventually fuck and fight in the dreams, and that then it'll start tearing at their souls that they can't actually touch each other. They know that Noel will continue ignoring the tweets and the texts and the calls and Liam will continue trying and that will sour things.

They know that even if they figured it all out and somehow managed to be the kind of people who could continue doing this forever, there'd be no guarantee it would work the next time. They know that if that were to happen, they might not ever know if the other didn't want to see them or if the magic just ran out. They know that doubt might be what destroys them.

When the set list gets posted a few days later, Noel gets a text. A simple "pretty green?" that he reads and pockets away, before he continues drinking his tea with Sara.

Days later, during dinner, he gets another text that should anybody ask, is gibberish from a number he does not recognize and hasn't saved, but he knows by heart is Liam's. 

":) x" stares at him from the screen as he takes a gulp of wine to hide his smile.

For now, they know they got this, and maybe, it can be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The cab ID and license plate from Everybody's On The Run](https://cancellablex.tumblr.com/post/645476876335333376). The ID numbers 9/21 can be read as September 21st, which is Liam's birthday. The license plate numbers could be read as 8/96, which is the month that Knebworth and Loch Lomond gigs took place.
> 
> [Tweet from Noel's official account for a giveaway of the setlist for the soundcheck of a gig at O2 Academy](https://twitter.com/NoelGallagher/status/794237718116978689). He played Pretty Green, a song by The Jam, alongside Paul Weller. And like, yeah, good song and obv collab but there are A LOT of options better known and less Liam-related.
> 
> [Tweet from Noel's official account promoting "While The Song Remains The Same"](https://twitter.com/NoelGallagher/status/795339991769436160) (this is standard, it just feels good)
> 
> [Lyrics to Bold by Liam where he responds to the line "We let love get lost in anger, chasing yesterday".](https://genius.com/Liam-gallagher-bold-lyrics) This was actually already in the works in [mid-2015](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RL80_dmEjvc). But you see, _the lyrics where he says it's ok when he wakes up..._.

**Author's Note:**

> Come see me suffer at [my tumblr](https://cancellablex.tumblr.com/)! xx


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